Broken in 24000 pieces...
It has been hard recently. Get your heart broken in 24000 piece, broken by those "24000 baci" I remember he used to give me when he came to visit me in Italy the first time. It makes me wonder about the true selfish nature of "male-kind". Why do they run away? Why cannot they be alone and mourn the loss of a special and important person by themselves? Why do they need to hide the pain underneath the easy blanket of starting a new relationship with somebody else after only few weeks they stepped out of an intense, romantic, beautiful 4 years relationship?
It has been hard for me to digest the pill of failure, it has been hard for me to be disillusioned by a person I believe I knew really well, or at least I thought I knew well. It has been hard and it still is.
I guess it will be ideal for me too to find a person right now that attracts me so the he could blown me away and distract me from this intense state of loneliness. It will be so ideal to fall in love with a person who I know is leaving for a year long soon, so that what we will have together is just going to help me recovering from this pain and make me forget why I was in this stage of torment, discomfort and what I am leaving behind.
But would it be fair to myself? Isn't it just a way not to deal with your own issues, doubts, fears, passions once again? Isn't it just another way not to think about who we are and where we really want to go with out lives?
I remember him once telling me "I have never been single"..realizing this doesn't it make you wonder why I cannot be just by myself? I believe at this point he is afraid of being alone, he is afraid to work his feelings out once and for all, he is afraid of dealing with himself and his issues that cyclically kept on bothering our being together and his own existence. I guess for a man it's more difficult to also control his male physical attribute. I guess they are weaker, and they differently deal with losses.
It makes me sad thinking that a person who was part of me for such a long time is replacing me with somebody else so quickly, am I so easy to replace? Wow.. this is definitely not a confidence booster, isn't it? I guess I just have to start thinking about myself and who I want to be. It is kind of scary the idea that after December I may not see him ever again for the rest of my life.. I wonder if he ever consider this..
Moving on, "who loves me will follow me" ("Chi mi ama mi segua").. that's what we say in Italian.
Last night I was talking on the phone with C. and we were remembering the summer we met in 2007.. that was the best summer of my life. I met her for only 2 weeks, and we just clicked. She is coming to visit me in Italy in 13 days and it's really exciting! After I am done with Japan in December, I am going to try to move to NYC .. last night we were dreaming of sharing a flat together there and how cool and exciting it would be!! ..
I was talking to my bother's girlfriend, H. she is the sweetest, strongest, always-smiling person I have ever met. She is a true inspiration, she is a wake up call for me, to be less self-centered and enjoy more the company of the people around me. Love makes everything better, and sharing your life with somebody else is great but knowing who you are, your passions and where you want to be is even greater. My brother and H. are not running anywhere, they do not feel the rush to purse a life in the same place yet, they are living serenely their independent lives without the constant urge of being together 24/7.. I think this is something I want to reflect on, and definitely try to embrace in my next relationship. I guess I have learnt it too late to save my relationship with T.
From today on, I am going to take care of my blog, write on it almost daily, update it my birdcage of thoughts.. I bet it's going to be a little repetitive especially in the next few weeks because I am still on the verge of a breakdown but I hope this is going to be my relief valve.
p.s. I have chose this picture by Alfred Stieglitz because next week I am going to visit "Camera Works-L'opera fotografica di Stieglitz, Steichen e Strand tra Europa e America"
in Milan Palazzo della Ragione o Broletto Nuovo